In the mood to be anyone but me today…
Today I’ve wanted to have anyone’s life but mine. The thought that got me out of bed (with the help of my lovely husband) was of searching job postings in Boston for a new career path. I heard about the blog of a friend of a friend and I obsessively sleuthed the pages wishing to be her…wishing to write like her…to be a mom like her…wishing to have a religious experience that feels alive, not troublesome, like her. After furiously searching the site for a picture of her so I could see if I did in fact want to be her (and yes, she’s pretty), I realized this is all I’ve been thinking about today.
A free lunch out today involved a 5-minute lecture from a financial planner. As I filled out my list of what I could want financial assistance on, I checked the box reading “start or maintain a business,” deciding on the spot to do that, and proceeded to talk to a co-worker at lunch about all the ins and outs of starting a business. I think I’d like to do something creative and perhaps fashion-related. Though I have so many dreams and thoughts of working with/writing children’s books as well.
Back at my desk, I can’t concentrate on the work I need to do … because doing it means that I’m agreeing to be me doing my job right now, and I want to be doing anything other than what I am doing right now. I used to be a compulsive craigslist searcher. I’d look at apartments in other cities, think about moving to one of them randomly. With furnished apartments, I’d check out the furniture and think how I’d arrange it.
Last night in my painting class I became so frustrated because the painting I was working on just completely sucked. Not only did I think it sucked but at the end of the class when all the paintings were lined up together it was truly obvious that it sucked. Why can’t I have painted her lemon, I thought? Gosh, why the heck can’t my vase look like that I ruminated? And I was thinking on the way home, why am I painting? So I can be good? Nah…it’s so I can enjoy painting. And I do…I really do like it, even though my impatience seems to be a particular problem in the medium. Smeary a slightly-off color to fill in the rest of a space for which I’ve run out of paint will not leave me with the happy feeling I desire.
I feel like there is an easy answer here, and perhaps some of you are thinking it now–Amy, just be happy with what you have. Amy, just enjoy what you’re good at and be in the present. But I feel there’s much more to it than this. I have a very awkward and unbalanced perspective of success and happiness at work in my life. They both pull me along but perhaps it’s not in the same direction. I really want to be a creator–to write, or to draw, or to paint, or to collage, or to design, even acting would be a step in the right direction…but doing any of these things has never been synonymous with success. What does that mean for me and my future? Will I always go toward things that seem like success but that don’t actually translate to personal success for me?
November 8th, 2007 at 5:04 pm
Are you inside my head? It’s quite strange how your blogs have been so parallel with my own thoughts. If you figure out an answer, let me know…I need it.
November 8th, 2007 at 7:28 pm
“will i always go towards things that seem like success but that dont actually translate to personal success for me?”
can you explain success for me? are you saying, “will i always want to do creative things that don’t make money?” if so, would that be a problem really? i mean, simon is cute enough that we could stick him in the meow mix commercials to make up for your lack of income.
or are you saying, “will i always think it’s going to make me happy, but then it won’t?” if that’s the case, i wonder if you are attracted to the act of creative expression, or just the idea of those people seeming happy or content or expressive.
my feelings are that you ought to spend a week doing exactly what you want to do, not what you think you’d like doing if you were x or y or z. at the end of the week, look at what you spent your time on and figure out how that could meet a need in your life.
November 8th, 2007 at 8:03 pm
oooh, I like that idea. perhaps I’ll take that up, dh.
to answer your other questions–neither. by personal success i don’t mean money and i also don’t think i’m attracted to the creative life when it won’t really make me happy (although at this point, one can’t know for sure).
what i meant by that last question was this: am i going after things that others define as success–things that bring money or power or fame (or moreso in my crowd/ family, things like ministry work and good deeds)–when really the things that would be fulfilling to me, in as far as a job should be, are not accomplished? whether that’s art/creating or something else, am i going for what others have convinced me will be a fulfilling thing to go for instead of looking at myself as an individual and going for just what i want my life to be about…despite what others might say.
November 9th, 2007 at 9:49 am
maybe we’re all too caught up in being successful…What does that word actually mean to you?
November 9th, 2007 at 11:19 am
It’s possible…but it’s also about
Wait..how did this turn into Q & A?
…it’s also about defining success for myself. What do I want to do that will make my life feel like a success? I have a short list of those things and I wonder how I’m going towards them. Am I going towards the things I really want in life or am I just doing what seems like success to me..moving up in my job would be a success to other’s who work here…buying a house would be a sort of financial success to my family…being a pastor would be a success for my youth pastor, etc. But I guess what I want to ask and what I want to work on is defining success for myself and really going for that even if it means not being successful on my family or co-workers terms…even possibly on my husband’s terms…
does that help clarify it at all?
November 9th, 2007 at 11:23 am
Yeah, I think that success is just a bullshit word though. Could you just replace it with “what makes me happy” or would it be “what makes life feel worth the effort” or maybe “another notch on my belt”……
November 9th, 2007 at 4:12 pm
bossy-much, Tonya!
November 12th, 2007 at 5:44 pm
Many questions comes up as already mentioned! Something people have been telling me lately as I’ve been wanting to get out of where I am at the moment, and that has come to my mind as well, is very booring to hear, but at the same time so true. The grass will always be greener on the other side of the fence, no matter what side you are on!
Not saying this to kill your blog, I’m with you 100 %, but still it’s reality.
And you are one of whom I would say, “I wish I could write like Amy” - you are an excellent writer!
Keep up the fight girl! Having a talk to our baseleader tomorrow about stuff here, so if you remember it’d be nice if you could send up a prayer…